2017

So my synopsis of 2017 in one word is growth. You moved down from NC with your grandparents to live with Theo and I full time. It was a huge change for us but we are glad that we were able to have you here and felt like it was the best decision for you. We lived in our little townhouse and moved in two a big house all in one year. Once again it was another disruption for you but you handled it with grace. This year you also began started summer camp at the CDC, progressed into preschool and gymnastics. You are one amazing gymnast. You graduated the preschool gymnastics class after your recital in December where you received your first medal. This was one of your life goals coming to fruition and seeing the pride on your face motivated me to support your gymnastics hobby.

New Years

You practicing Gymnastics in January

February Park Date - You and Me

March with Friends

Company Cookout - He, Sgt Hoge, Camdyn 

 Faisal and Emmitt

 Emmitt and Stevie

 Kura

April Easter Celebrations

 Mail from  Grandma

Your 4th Birthday

So, lets start with your birthday:

Aunt Jojo and Uncle Trev came just to celebrate with you. I am so lucky to have a friend who loves her niece enough to spend it with her. I am so grateful to her and her husband to take this time in their moment of grief to spend this time with you. Also, I didn't remember until after that Aunt Jojo's birthday is around the same time as yours and we didn't celebrate hers while she was with us. Neither here nor there, this was super special to you. We went to chuck-e-cheese, ate some pizza, went to whole foods, got some real food, and came home and chowed. Also, we got cupcakes to share. Aunt Jojo got you some kitty leggings and a shirt for your birthday that you wore the whole day proudly. I am so proud of the little girl you are becoming because you are kind, gentle, patient, and able to express your wants and needs in words ahead of your peers. Most of all I am grateful that you have gotten through this journey with me in school/Army giving me the grace to be the best parent that I can be.

The Many Things I Learn from You!

Clara Jane,
Baby you teach me so many things. Like love. Love more than anything else in the world is connection. It's treating you with the respect you deserve when you are telling me you are overwhelmed emotionally. Its not losing my patience when you have already lost yours. It's teaching you patience and how to handle situations more appropriately. Sometimes love is giving you the space you need to get through the emotion you are dealing with. Like yesterday, you just laid next to me and had your moment of crying and screaming because you were having a hard time. I just let you get through it. You have taught me to verbalize my empathy and my thoughts so you can understand how to communicate in hard times. When I tell you that it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling some how everything becomes ok again for you. I don't remember anyone ever talking me through my moment and I want you to give you the tools to be able to handle those hard moments.

2016 - - wow has it flown by.

Wow Clarie,

This year has flown by. Let me hit the exciting points of this year in chronological order for you:

January:

You went on your first cruise. You loved it. It was on the Carnival Fascination. You made many friends at child care, adored the boat and scenery, got your hair braided in the Bahamas ("Hamas" as you called it) and watched your mom and Theo get married. Grandma and Papa, Mimi and Pop pop, and Auntie Liz and Auntie Erica were on the cruise with us. You experienced the fancy dinners with us and got to see all of the little towel creations left for you every morning. You even learned the name of our housekeeper and thanked him most days. In our room was a balcony and you got to see the dolphins behind the ship as we left. It was a sight to behold. You loved every moment of the cruise. When we left you asked to go on another one. I can't wait to experience another with you.

 February-May-Ish:  (Ft Sill, Ok)

Mommy went into the Army. I am pretty convinced that during this time you believed that the Army was a place. That is totally ok with me because it was very much a place during this time. Mommy went basic training. I learned how to be a soldier. This was the hardest 10 weeks I have ever spent away from you. Up until this point I have dignifiedly been your everything. I have done most of the big steps with you and experienced every single one of your firsts. I have bandaged every skinned knee and helped you through every frustration. This was heart wrenching being away from you because I had no idea how to exist without you. This experience solidified how important to me you are and how much the greater good was achieved by showing you that I could do something that I was pretty sure would kill me or break my heart and I did it. It was intense, it was hard, there were points that were scary but I believed through it all that you were going to learn that I was brave so you could be brave too. I want you to know that I am going through this army experience to show you that hard things are doable. I want you to see my mommy want more for you and want to show you character and be a good role model for you through this you be a better person for yourself. I hope you grow up to be more brave and strong than you can ever imagine.

May to August: (Ft Sam Houston, Tx)

During the summer months, I started the anatomy and physiology part of the beginning of Army nursing school. This was really hard because I knew I wouldn't be able to see you during this time. But I worked really really hard to make sure I got out of there quickly with no hiccups. During my time there I only got to see Theo one time. We decided to fly Theo out there in lieu of flying both of you out there because it made the most sense financially. I know we missed each other and we face timed as much as I could but I love you so much and nothing changed that, even going a long time without seeing each other. This helped me allowed me to remain focused on my ability to finish this course and do well in this program. It is really important for me to remember that you are my motivation for this process. Every time it felt too hard I remembered how important it is for me to see you see me in a way that is someone who you can model your doubts and fears into courage through, I hope that these experiences can guide you through your live's challenges.

August forward: (Ft. Gordon, Ga)
Now, we are living in Georgia. Yes you living with your dad primarily but this doesn't change my love for you. In fact it makes me appreciate my time with you more because it is fewer and farther between than I am accustomed to. I am so glad to have this time with you. Theo brings you down every other weekend during this long weekends and then on my holidays I have you as well. I love stressing about what we are going to do while you are there and wanting things perfect. I know you really are all about your time with me but I want to make memories with you. One of your first weekends there we spent the time at the riverwalk. There they had a road side market where they sold all kinds of little things we didn't need to buy so you tried empanadas for the first time. You loved them. You especially loved the Plantain and Beef one but you definitely didn't like the sauce. I was just so proud of your willingness to try something new. Since then we have joined the YMCA and you attend the parent's night outs and you love them. I am so glad you have that time to spend with other kids and you are able to make friends.

We also found a beautiful park with a railroad track and a path that leads down a longer path. All of these things we found by total mistake. We meant to go to this park but a random bridge that we followed ended up being part of the path to the bigger path. It has a lake and a river. It had some kind of mill area and an old abandoned building. But, I think your favorite part was the train. When the train came, you waved to the conductor and he hung his head out the window and waved back. It felt like something off of Thomas the train.

Theo and I really love Georgia and hope to stay but we shall see.

iloveyou.

Pivotal Moments in History

My Beautiful Clara Jane,
You are so blessed to be able to experience many historical moments in your still short lifespan that many people have only dreamed about.

1- We have the first Black president.
2- Marriage is legalized for same gender couples. That means our government recognizes your Aunt Sara and your Aunt Erica's marriage for what it is in every single state. Yes baby, love is love.
3- We have a strong woman running for president.
4- South Carolina retired their Confederate flag hanging at it's capital.


I hope that by the time you are old enough to read this that these moments in time will be a tiny grain of sand because there will be so many other things that have happened and it will be no big deal. I hope that you will see many people rise to places of power to show that no matter who you love or what your heritage is that you can be anything you want to be. You can be president. You can be an astronaut. You love airplanes. If you want to be a pilot, go for it with all your heart. I want you to be strong, bold, confident and incredibly tenacious. I dont ever desire for you to have a "coming out" experience about anything in your life because you love youself enough to be who you are unapologetically.

I love you.
Mommy

You made me a Mommy.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I learned a valuable lesson, or two. The human part of me wanted to be super celebrated. I wanted to feel special and appreciated. I wanted to feel valued and accomplished. I needed that moment of feeling special apart from every other mother in the whole wide world, well I thought I needed that. Instead of having that selfish moment, I was blessed. As we drove home from Theo's family brunch, I spent the entire ride home in a state of reflection. My mind wandered from the mothers who have passed, who you will never meet on this earth, to the mothers who have blessed us in our daily lives everyday. It is my goal as your mother to surround myself with mothers who can mentor me in a way that leads to you being the best little girl you can be.

Right now you have three Grandmas and two Great Grandmas, six aunts and many many many friends who love you like their own. I pray everyday that our support system only grows so that you can see many strong women and loving mothers and be able to glean their attributes into your own life.

I want you to be a brave, bold, confident little girl and that you are.

I love you.
Mommy

Wow..you are already over two.

Clara,
You are rapidly approaching two and a half. I can't even begin to not your progression. You know your letters, numbers, shapes, colors, and can speak in miniature monologues. Your daycare teacher has been moving you up with the older kids during teaching time so that you can get that extra enrichment. You are a smart cookie little girl.

But more than anything let me discuss a burning question you may have later in life, or even soon. Since you were born your daddy and I have been co parenting you in the same house. Recently, this past December, your father and I decided the best thing for our family to do was to parent separately. Your daddy loves you more than life itself. But sometimes as an adult you have to acknowledge when something is best done differently than what you are currently doing and move in that direction. While I love San Diego, we moved back to NC so that we could be surrounded by family and I still feel like this choice has benefited you greatly. I want you to understand that even though your dad is far away, he loves you every much and if you ever desire to go visit him or even stay with him, I totally support you because I want you to have the best relationship possible with him.

With that said, I need you to understand another point further than us living far from your dad. One day your daddy is going to fall in love again and your mommy may as well. You are free to fearlessly love your step mom and step dad one day as well. I firmly believe that the more arms there to lift you up and encourage you when you are down, the larger your support net will be. I hope that gives you the ability to confidently embrace the challenges of the world with the same fearlessness you have now, at only two.

Clara, your intelligence and your independence amazes me. Your ability to process information is well beyond that of a child in your own age group. I hope to continue to allow you to express it in a way that will make you successful in whatever you want to do in life.

I love you,
Mommy.